Monday, 17 February 2014


The whole world stopped spinning. Pain is rushing trough my veins. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, like it's trying to find a way out. A deaf ringing fills my ears. A fog drifts in my head. I can't move, my body can't. Where are my hands? I don't know. My muscles don't work. My body doesn't listen. My throat is thick and my tongue is heavy. I can't speak. Can't think. Can't breath. 

This is what I felt when I lost my grandad six years ago. He was the first relative I ever lost. He was one of those people that formed the foundation of my small world. We went on a little vacation in Holland with my parents, brother, uncle and grandparents. We had the time of our lives for five full days. Just us, a small circle of family having fun together and celebrating the fact that we loved each other. Friday night we came home. Saturday morning my mom woke me up with tears in her eyes and said: "Granddad is very, very sick and is in the hospital. Mommy is going to see him now. You stay here with uncle and be good." Saturday night he passed away.

This was the beginning of many funerals, unfortunately. I was blessed with many granddads and grandmas because the ones of my own mom and dad got very old. And yes, we all have to die sometimes. So in five year time, my family had to bury six people that we're very dear to us. When you are a young girl that just hits puberty, that's pretty tough. On the bright side? I learnt how to grief. And that people dying doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I hear you thinking; WHY? DYING IS HORRIBLE! No it's not. Not when you are 98 years old, can't remember the names of your own kids and the only thing you can do is sitting in a chair in a nursing home and stare.There comes a time we need to leave this earth because we lived our lives and we are done here. We get to rest. Of course, when someone dies at a young age because of an accident and is simply to young to go, that is very sad. Unfortunately these things happen, and we'll probably never find out why. Just like my granddad died way to young.

Grieving is hard. Grieving hurts. I know, it's not something you want to do. You need to do it though. We all need it. We need to process, cry, heal and especially; we need to remember. Don't remember the way you're loved one died, or the question 'why'? Don't try to think you could safe this person. Don't ask yourself the question; 'what if'? There are no answers to these questions. Do not try to find them, they are not here. Instead, think of the fun memories. Think of every single thing you did, funny things this person said and you will never forget. Make a huge book full of pictures and funny stories, or other things that make you think of this person in a positive way. That would be the way I want to be remembered when I'm gone. You're loved one would want you to do that too.

After losing someone who was very dear to you, take your time. Take a rest, grieve. Cry as much as you need to. After that, pick up your life. Step by step. Enjoy the little things, and think of your loved one in a positive way. Remember the good things. And in the mean time: live life to the fullest. Take all the pretty and nice things in life has to offer. Learn, love, and inspire. Don't let your grieve hold you back. Life is waiting for you.

I see you everywhere, in the stars, in the river; to me you’re everything that exists; the reality of everything.”     -Virginia Woolf

Lots of love

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